Have you ever felt wrapped in some sticky situation, you couldn't be yourself and do what you wanted? Well, let me tell you the story, of how I learned to trust my feelings. And do, whatever I felt, I should do.
The Day Before
There I was, with the same grey sweatshirt I had been wearing all week, eating the second box of some greasy Donuts.
- Maybe I could eat enough to get real fat, so,my average boring-looking groom would give up on everything.
- Your Wedding Day is tomorrow honey, don't say silly things. You need to look perfect, like a princess! It's the most important day of your life, of a woman's life.
- I'm a bit way far from looking like a princess now mom, but actually, I feel the happiness in my veins! Or is that sugar?
Never mind. The fact is, maybe, I'm not feeling the way I suppose to.
By the way, how excited were you, just before you married dad?
- I was terrified. Your dad was too much for me, and your granny had so many expectations about it, or me, finally doing something right.
I thought he would leave me, and well, I was wrong! But I think it's because I tried so hard all these years, he surely couldn't find any other woman like me. You know I've always been like his second mother, always had every single thing done for him.
I'm pretty sure, you can be a very good wife if you behave properly, sweetheart. Now tell me, do you know his favorite dish?
- ... (heavy breath fading)
- SARAH! Are you there? I'm talking to you!
Ok, great. I think, after all, you must be really tired. I'll let you sleep, goodnight sweetheart. Love you.
9 Hours Before
(phone rings)
- mmmwhat
- Hey girl, it's Mia! I know it's your wedding day boo-boo! Excited?
- What time is it?
- Well, it's noon and we have so many things to do today! I'm gonna pick you up so we can go to Chloe's Studio and start making a queen of you! You know, it's the best day of your life, you should look stunning!
- Cool, whatever.
- I'll be there in 15 mins, don't go back to sleep!
- mmkay, bye.
Mia was always super annoying, with that fake happiness.
I mean, it's probably fake, because no one can be that overjoyed all the time. She was delighted for me, and I couldn't blame her.
Everyone I knew, was as well. But I wasn't.
It's not that Brad was a bad guy, he was not. And that's the problem.
He was pretty ordinary.
Regular job, regular body type, regular mind, regular talk... Incredibly lifeless.
I was in love somehow though.
I just wasn't expecting, things to happen so fast. I felt pretty unready for everything, and couldn't help but feel my life in some misfortune spiral, which would probably end with me like a miserable depressed white-haired granny, telling my grandchildren how happy I would have been if 40 years ago I had the right to say no. That's it. I had no right to say no, because everyone I know, was romanticizing this goddamn wedding so much. And I felt like I would disappoint everyone who loved me.
I know, you may be asking: "Why did you accept it in the first place?''
Because he asked me, right in front of my parents. Right in front of Mrs. Please-Ask-My-Daughter-Soon. With that disturbing Mr. Perfect-Future-Husband smile.
God, how I hated that smile since then.
So as you see, I couldn't say no. I couldn't disappoint her. I couldn't make her sad.
Then, some hours after that everyone I knew was informed about my glorious tragedy. Because social media is like a contagious mental disease, and everyone is so connected. So annoyingly connected, so into my life, expecting for it to be live-streamed by her on my Instagram and Facebook, so everybody could laugh and cringe.
Or worst, think I'm going to get what many of them can't: a precious marriage.
And Mia would probably be one of them.
Poor brainless sweetheart.
So yes. There was no place I could go at this point. Let's hope it ends fast, and after this collective insanity, we can act like it never happened. Or just die in disgust someday, for a wasted life.
3 hours before
(Whatsapp audio)
"Hey babe, how's everything going? I just wanted to say, I'm very happy to be marrying the love of my life. Can't wait to see you in a bride's dress. Love you."
God, I was so insecure about this wedding.
- Sarah who was that? Brad?
- Yes, mom.
- Is he coming?
- Mom.
- Sorry, couldn't resist. You know some boys get nervous before tying the knot.
- Mom, i can’t get any worst. You failed.
And I said to myself: Let's just hope everything goes well Sarah, let it be.
30 Minutes Before
So this is it.
That was an awesome Gothic cathedral, doesn't look like it was being used to destroy lives!
Then I thought, I should just go ahead and do what I had to, but maybe a drink would make me feel better.
My hands were sweating so much.
Thank God at least, the makeup was waterproof.
- Mia, do you know where they keep the alcohol?
- I think I saw something in the bridesmaid room, girl. Do you want me to check?
- Oh no, I'll do it thanks.
- Bring me a drink then, would you? And don't get naughty, is your wedding day!
What kind of alcohol is an almost wife supposed to drink?
Couldn't help but thinking, that maybe I'd find some nice champagne. After all, we paid so much for everything, would be just fair.
But now, let me introduce you, to some kind of life's bizarre act.
The door was almost completely opened when I realized something happening.
There were rose petals on the floor, the room was all renaissance well decorated. The angels flying and playing with cupids as if Michelangelo had painted everything himself.
I could feel the Gardenia's smell, well mixed up with Sweet Peas.
And all the very white silk fabric laying on the chairs... It was a pure heavenly room, for sure.
And ironically, in this almost immaculate room, I just witnessed my future husband, the very great, honest and devoted man, sticking his average and not pleasant dick, in my cousin's ass. With the passion of a spartan husband, coming back from some battle, to see his very hot wife, after months.
He never fucked me that way though.
I was shattered.
But then, I realized something.
And I reserved myself the right of keeping my mouth shut.
As if nothing had happened.
The Marriage
Did you ever stop to think, how weird is this tradition?
Everybody was there when I came into the church. Every single person, that my mom invited, (because I couldn't think about it myself), and I knew deep inside my soul, no one there, was giving a shit, about how I felt. However, this is like this ceremony goes. Just a few people very into participating in your life, now you finally succeed as a woman. (sighs)
Sure. What a great husband I was about to 'catch', right?
They knew nothing about me, all these parents very interested, in... what exactly?
Well, I don't care anymore.
Let's do it.
(bride music starts playing)
At that very moment, I was on the seventh heaven. Walking on clouds, floating in my own shoes.
No one could feel as good as me.
And there he was, smiling. All thrilled, seeing the ''love of his life'' as he said. Sure. Couldn't blame him for saying that, cause it's pretty obvious he couldn't find a better woman.
Let's do it, babe. Can't wait.
(priest starts)
He got my hand.
I couldn't keep it.
- I'm sweating honey - whispered - better not.
He smiled. All confident.
At this very moment, I couldn't hear what the priest was saying anymore, I was feeling nauseous. And as I took a deep breath, I realized, he had that sex smell.
I almost threw up, instantly.
Let's do this.
Suddenly, the priest asks for the votes.
He did his.
Promising shit that would never happen.
I couldn't do mine. So I started crying, trying to put everything out of my chest, and save myself from having to speak.
It worked though.
''She is so elated'' someone in the crowd whispered while smiling between tears as well.
Then, there was the time I was waiting for.
- ''Bradford, do you take Sarah, as your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?''
- ''I do.''
- '' Sarah, do you take Bradford, as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?''
- ''No, I don't.''
- "Wait, WHAT?''
The church was covered with astonishment.
And I was laughing. Hysterically.
- "But maybe, you would like to ask my cousin, Carol instead, Mr. Priest. Or, was the bridesmaid room scene, just some tips, to how behave with your wife at the honeymoon? Because girl, he never fucked me that way."
Everybody started swishing around, and between amazement, pity and actually a few laughs, I was there, staring at him, which was as expected, speechless.
And about to pass out.
- ''I won't get married today, Mr. Priest. But maybe, you should get another girl, with my name and some similarities, so my mom wouldn't feel disappointed about, not seeing her ungrateful princess getting married today. Or maybe we should fake it all, and take some pretty pictures, so I could be the happy bride on Instagram. And then, my delusional friends could be all invidious and delighted about their lucky friend getting a perfect husband. While some though, could be just waiting for everything to fall apart.
This is just so funny, isn't it? I had to walk into some fucking porn movie scene, with my husband and my cousin fucking in the chair, I left my bridal veil, so I could have the right, to say no. Because otherwise, I would be the crazy, ungrateful, babyish Sarah, screwing up everything again. Right?
Well, I'm gonna be single, and I'm going to be happy. And you, have nothing to do with my life anymore, now I'm not an example of a well-succeeded woman.
You can fuck yourselves for good.''
And that's how I left the church, walking all smiley, feeling free.
Free from the chains my mom had put on me, free from what society expected me to be. Free from a very dumb guy, who actually helped me to see everything clearly before I could make a huge mistake.
Thank you stupid, guess I never thanked you properly.
The lesson of the day is: Always listen to your feelings, they'll never lie to you.
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